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APPENDIXES.
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APPENDIX A.
THE ENGLISH CARMELITES.
The following account is copied from an old manuscript, written June, 1776, by Mother Mary Margaret of the Angels, Mary Brent.
Our first Mother was Mother Ann of the Ascension, Worsley. She founded our convent in the year 1619. She was superior twenty-five years, and gave our holy habit to fifty young ladies. She died on the 22nd or 23rd of Dec., 1644.
Our second superior was Mother Ann of St. Augustine, alias Wright. She took the holy habit in 1637, aged twenty-seven years, and was made superior in 1645 by the advice of our first Mother. In her last sickness the religious were very importunate with her Reverence to know whom she would advise them to choose for prioress after her death. She at last said to them Sister Ann of St. Augustine, because she knew she could bear the cross, which our dear Mother said would prove a very heavy one to those who followed her.
Sister Ann of St. Augustine was praying by the corpse of our dear Mother when she lay exposed in the choir, and being overwhelmed with grief for the loss of her dear Mother, and full of fear of succeeding her, it is said our dear Mother turned her head towards her, and said: "Who are you that dare resist the will of God?" In time, Sister Ann of St. Augustine was chosen superior, and had all the voices of the community, excepting her own. This Mother died before three years were completed, in 1647.
The third superior was Mother Teresa of Jesus, alias Ward. She made her profession at Mons, a year after our first Mother. This Mother Teresa of Jesus was sent to Poland to assist at the foundation there, where she was chosen sub-prioress and mistress of novices. Having been there some years, she returned to her own monastery at Mons; and by the orders of obedience, she came here to assist our first Mother. At the first election she was chosen sub-prioress and discreet. She died in 1649.
The fourth superior was Mother Lucy of St. Ignatius. She was by the suffrage of this community recalled from Dusseldorf to be our superior, and
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was received with the greatest marks of joy and respect, two of the religious of this house being sent to conduct her here. She died of the small-pox on the 6th of January, 1650, at the age of thirty-six and the eighteenth of her holy profession; and the third superior who died before the expiration of three years.
The fifth superior was Mother Ann of the Ascension, Keynes, being the second of that name. She was chosen in l650, and continued for three years.
The sixth superior was Mother Ann of St. Maria. She was chosen in 1653 and was six years superior, at the end of which time at the parting feast which she gave to the community, she put the keys of the monastery into the hands of the Image of Our Blessed Lady, with a most sweet song, expressing her earnest petition to Almighty God to be released, which she was, and in the year 1678, when actually sub-prioress, she was sent to begin the foundation of Hoogstraet, and was elected prioress there, and three weeks after she fell sick and died upon the 11th of September, 1678.
The seventh superior was our Venerable Mother Margaret of the Angels. She was elected in the year 1665, and continued prioress six years.
The eighth superior was Mother Mary Margaret of the Holy Ghost, who was continued about six years, and in the year 1677 our Venerable Mother Mary Margaret was chosen again: she died the following year on the 21st of June, 1678.
The ninth superior was Mother Francisca Teresa of the Passion, who followed our venerable Mother Mary Margaret in the office in 1678, in which she was continued for six years; after that she was sub-prioress and mistress of novices till the death of Mother Mary of the Holy Ghost, whom she succeeded again. This dear Mother Francisca Teresa, after making the ten Fridays to St. Xaverius, which she finished in October, 1692, added him to the patrons of the noviceship, and placed his picture on the altar with great devotion on the feast of the Presentation of Our Blessed Lady, to which it is particularly dedicated. The Lady Rheingrave, being there present, said she saw the said picture smile upon the community; and it is to be noted that the first novice who came after this was our Venerable Mother Mary Xaverius of the Angels. Mother Francisca died March 22nd, 1693.
The tenth superior was Mother Mary of the Blessed Sacrament of Antwerp. She was off at the end of three years.
The eleventh superior was Mother Josepha of Jesus Maria, Wigmore. She died in 1697, a little more than a year after her election; and about four months after death appeared to Mother Mary Xaverius, and among other things told her that she lay in Purgatory ten days, and that one of the things she suffered for, was for shortening her days by doing penance of her own will.
The twelfth superior was Mother Mary Xaveria. She was several times elected; she was professed in the year 1694, at the age of twenty-six.
The thirteenth superior was Mother Mary Francis of St. Teresa, who was many years in that office, off and on.
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The fourteenth superior was Mother Delphina of St. Joseph, who did not live much above a year after her election.
The fifteenth superior was Mother Teresa Joseph of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. She died in the fifth year of her office as superior.
The sixteenth superior was Mother Mary Joseph of St. Teresa. She was fifteen years successively in the office of superior.
The seventeenth superior was Mother Teresa of Jesus, sister to Mother Mary Joseph. She was about thirteen years superior.
The eighteenth superior was Mother Ann Joseph of the Ascension. She died at the end of one year and nine months after her election.
The nineteenth superior was Mother Teresa Joseph Maria of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. She was superior for ten years and ten months.
The twentieth superior was Mother Francis Xaverius of Divine Providence. She was only superior three years, and was chosen again September 21st, 1784.
The twenty-first superior was Mother Mary Margaret of the Angels. She was six years in the office, and died twenty-one days after the election of Mother Francis Xaveria, who succeeded her in the year 1784.
Sister Constantia of the Holy Ghost, alias Vekemans, was professed in 1643; her father gave the choir seats.
Rev. Mother Ann of Jesus, a Hollander, who took our holy habit at Brussels, was superior at Cologne in 1632; and after having been some years superior there, she had her choice to go to any of the three monasteries of the Order; out of the three she chose ours, where she died, and a while after her death she appeared to our dear Sister Margaret of St. Francis, a most holy lay Sister. This Sister was going to ring the bell in the morning for prayer, and as she was passing by the dead cellar-stairs she saw this Rev. Mother come up them with her mantle and veil on; and this good Sister, without the least surprise, said: "Dear Mother, are you there? what do you want ?" She answered: " Such and such devotions for my deliverance out of Purgatory;" and she disappeared and was seen no more.
Rev. Mother Teresa of Jesus, alias Ward, founded whilst she was superior our convent at Lierre in the year 1648, without any temporal assistance but what belonged to our convent at Antwerp.
The names of the nuns that went out of our convent to this foundation were as follows:
1. For prioress, Mother Margaret of St. Teresa, alias Downe.
2. For sub-prioress, Sister Catharine of the Blessed Sacrament, alias Windon.
3. Sister Mary Ann of Jesus, alias Mary Foster.
4. Sister Mary of Jesus, alias Mary Powdwell.
5. Sister Elizabeth of the Visitation, alias Elizabeth Emery.
6. Sister Eugenia of Jesus, alias Elizabeth Levison.
7. Sister Margaret of Jesus, alias Margaret Mostyn.
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8. Sister Ursula of All Saints, alias Elizabeth Mostyn.
9. Sister Hieronyma of St. Michael, alias Susanna Winter.
10. Sister Mary of St. Joseph, alias Mary Vaughan, novice.
1. Lay Sister Margaret of St. Francis, alias Margaret Johnson.
2. Lay Sister Alexis of St. Winifred, alias Catharine Powell.
Hoogstraet foundation was made in the time of Rev. Mother Francisca Teresa of the Passion. The foundress was Lady Rheingrave. The names of the religious who went out of our convent to this foundation were as follows:
1. For Superior, Rev. Mother Ann of Santa Maria, Haircourt.
2. Sister Mary of the Angels, sister to Rev. Mother Ann of Santa Maria.
3. Sister Margaret of St. Joseph; she went first to the foundation of Newburgh, and after to Hoogstraet. She was niece to Sister Clare Darcy
4. One Lay Sister, Ann Joseph.
5. Rev. Mother Teresa of Jesus, alias Wakeman, was in 1681 elected from our convent by the religieuse of Hoogstraet to be their prioress, in which office she was continued six years; and in the time of her being there, as she was one day sitting alone and, as it were, overwhelmed with darkness and dejection of mind, she suddenly found herself transported to the library at Antwerp, with her hand upon a book which she took up to read, the title of which was: “The Love of Our Lord Jesus Christ for His beloved Spouses at Antwerp.” And in confidence of her being one of them all her desolation vanished; this happened upon St. Lawrence's Day. As soon as her six years had expired she returned to us; and though she expressed a great love and esteem for that community, yet she had procured a coach to be ready as soon as the election should be finished for her to be brought to Antwerp. Rev. Mother Aloysia of St. Bernard, alias Wright, sister to our second superior, Rev. Mother Ann of St. Augustine, and professed on the same day with her, was sent to the foundation of Hoogstraet and was their second superior. We had eleven of our religious who went out of our convent and were superiors at different convents.
Rev. Mother Ann of St. Teresa, alias Levison, was chosen superior in 1632, when she had been only five years professed, though there were in the house both fine and more ancient religious. After being superior, she was continued as discreet till the year 1643 or ’49, when she was chosen by our dear Mother Ann of the Ascension for the great work of the foundation of Dusseldorf; she was accompanied by Mother Lucy of St. Ignatius, alias Bedingfield.
Mother Ann of St. Teresa was immediately elected prioress and Mother Lucy sub-prioress and mistress of novices in 1658. Rev. Mother Ann of St. Teresa took one choir nun, Sister Mary of St. Joseph, and one Lay Sister in order to found a monastery at Munsterfelt in 1659. She returned to Dusseldorf, where she was actually prioress, to be present at the election; but she being employed in the foundation of Munsterfelt, and the same Prince, who was also Duke of Newburg, having designed to found a convent
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at his capital city of Newburg, she desired they would free her from being their prioress, which they did upon these considerations, though unwillingly; and they elected for superior Mother Magdalen of St. Joseph, alias Bedingfield, who was younger sister to our Rev. Mother Lucy of St. Ignatius, and was professed in our convent. This Rev. Mother was before their sub-prioress; her body is now entire at Newburgh.
In the year 1659, upon the 3rd of August, Rev. Mother Ann of St. Teresa finished the foundation of Munsterfelt, and was chosen their first prioress, and remained with them three years, settling this monastery in all good observance; after which she returned to Dusseldorf, where she was again chosen superior, and died as such.
Rev. Mother Magdalen of St. Joseph, before her three years as prioress were finished, returned to us, and carried back with her five of our religious, namely: Rev. Mother Ann of the Ascension, Sister Ann of Jesus, Sister Anastatia of Jesus, Sister Clare of the Annunciation, Sister Margaret of St. Joseph. So that in the year 1661 all these religious went to Newburgh with the said Rev. Mother Magdalen of St. Joseph, and some others from Dusseldorf to begin this convent founded by the Duke.
There have been within this one hundred years seven entire bodies discovered, to wit: two in this our convent of Antwerp, two at Munsterfelt, and three at Newburgh, two of whom were English and the third at Newburgh was a Brusseller who also entered here.
Here ends the manuscript of Mother Mary Margaret of the Angels, Brent.
The following account is also copied from an old manuscript:
1649.
The fourth prioress of this house of Antwerp was Mother Lucy of St. Ignatius, alias Bedingfield, who was sent by our first Mother Ann of the Ascension with Mother Ann of St. Teresa, alias Levison, to begin the foundation of Dusseldorf, where Mother Lucy was soon made sub-prioress and mistress of novices, remaining in these two offices till recalled again to be our prioress at Antwerp, two of our religieuse being sent to fetch her. She only lived eight months after her election, leaving the community in the deepest affliction. The convent of Dusseldorf, when they found they were to be deprived of her and of the examples she had given them, resolved to do their best to repair it, and immediately chose, to supply her place, Sister Magdalen of St. Joseph (the sister of our Rev. Mother, Lucy Bedingfield), who was elected prioress at Dusseldorf, and some time after at Newburgh, where she continued in that office till her happy death. Her body was found entire and incorrupt anno 1727.
1681. Rev. Mother Magdalen of St. Joseph, Bedingfield, returned here when actually prioress of the convent of Dusseldorf, by the desire of the Duke of Newburgh to request more of our religious for the foundation of
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Newburgh. Mother Ann of St. Teresa, Levison, was employed in finishing the foundation at Munsterfelt, and the Duke being so charmed with these two religieuses, would have more for beginning this new foundation, the third house in his dominions. To this end he wrote to my Lord Bishop, thanking him for those he had sent and requesting more of these precious pearls (as he was pleased to call them). His Lordship, zealous for the glory of God, willingly complied; so that Mother Magdalen took five more religieuses with her, namely: Rev. Mother Ann of the Ascension, Sister Ann of Jesus, her sister (both Keynes), Sister Anastatia of Jesus, Wakeman, and Sister Clare of the Annunciation, Darcy, Sister Margaret of St. Joseph, Goodlad.
Mother Magdalen left the community in great affliction for the loss of so many religieuses; the Duke and Duchess highly favored them in the two foundations of Newburgh and Dusseldorf, and did no less in that of Munsterfelt. They must have gone out the beginning of this year, as I find in the month of March the accommodations paid for of our religieuses who went to the foundation of Newburgh.
Mother Ann of the Ascension was the first prioress and Sister Anastasia, Wakeman, sub-prioress, who never returned more; one of the five returned at the end of the same year, two others, namely, Sister Clare and Sister Ann of Jesus, remained six or seven years. Mother Ann of Jesus went to Dusseldorf, where she remained six or seven years more, as she only returned home in 1662. Those who remained in the German foundations were Mother Ann of St. Teresa, Levison, Rev. Mother Magdalen of St. Joseph, Levison, Sister Anastasia of Jesus, Wakeman; the two first were always superiors, and the third sub-prioress; all the three dying in opinion of sanctity, and two of them found entire and incorrupt at Newburgh, anno 1727. There was also another found entire, a Lay Sister, called Lucy of St. Ignatius, one of Brussels, who kept her noviceship in this convent of ours, and made her profession at Dusseldorf in order for the foundation of Newburgh. It was but the other day I had a letter from Rev. Mother at Newburgh, who mentions them and says wonders are now done by their means, and she desires more particulars of them from us.
Sister Teresa of Jesus, Wakeman, went to the new foundation of Hoogstraet, where she remained prioress for six years and then returned.
Names of the English Religious Professed at the English Teresian Monastery of Antwerp.
1. Teresa of Jesus Mary, Elizabeth Worsley. 2. Margaret of St. Francis, Margaret Johnson. 3. Mary of Jesus, Mary Prater. 4. Ann of St. Bartholomew, Ann Downes. These four made their vows under the Provincial of the Order; the following ones under the Bishop of Antwerp; the first one was professed in 1623.
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5. Mary Ann of Jesus, Ann Smith. 6. Catherine of St. Joseph Catharine Shelly. 7. Catherine of the B. Sacrament, Catharine Windoe. 8. Mary of the Holy Ghost, Mary White. 9. Francis of St. Ignatius, Margaret Downes. 10. Margaret of St. Teresa, Margaret Downes. 11. Mary of St. Albert Mary Trentam. 12. Angela of the Holy Ghost, Margaret Gifford. 13. Ann of St. Teresa, Ann Leveson. 14. Helen of the Holy Cross, Helen Wigmore. 15. Magdalene of the Holy Cross, Grace Palmes. 16. Mary of the Angels, Mary Chichester 17. Agnes of St. Albert, Agnes Rosendall. 18. Lucy of St. Ignatius, Catherine Bedingfield. 19. Dorothy of St. Francis, Sarah Hicks. 20. Mary Ann of Jesus, Mary Foster. 21. Teresa of Jesus Mary, Joanna Bedingfield. 22. Mary Margaret of the Angels, Margaret Wake. 23. Mary Teresa of Jesus, Chrysogona Wakeman. 24. Mary Teresa of St. Albert, Adriana Schruysteyn. 25. Magdalen of St. Joseph, Magdalen Bedingfield. 26. Ann of St. Augustine, Ann Wright. 27. Aloysia of St. Bernard, Margaret Wright. 28. Mary of Jesus, Mary Powderle. 29. Teresa of the Ascension, Helen Brigges. 30. Mary of the Conception, Mary Emery. 31. Ignatius of Jesus, Elizabeth Huddleston. 32. Elizabeth of the Visitation, Elizabeth Emery. 33. Ann of the Ascension, Catharine Keynes. 34. Clare of the Annunciation, Catharine Darcy. 35. Ann of Jesus, Ann Barker. 36. Winefride of the Holy Ghost, Helen Mildmay. 37. Barbara of Holy Mary, Mary Hyde. 38. Eugenia of Jesus, Elizabeth Leveson. 39. Augustine of St. Ann, Anne Bedingfield. 40. Ann of Sancta Maria, Ann Haircourt. 41. Thecla of St. Paul, Catharine Clifton. 42. Monica of St. Lawrence, Ann James. 43. Cecilia of the Presentation, Lucy Forster. 44. Constantia of the Holy Ghost, Constantia Vekemans. 45. Agnes of Jesus, Elizabeth Carroll. 46. Ann of the Angels, Anne Somersett. 47. Paula of St. Joseph, Elizabeth Poulter. 48. Agatha of St. Peter, Francis Kempe. 49. Alexia of St. Winefride, Catharine Powel.
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50. Margaret of Jesus, Margaret Mostyn. 51. Ursula of All Saints, Elizabeth Mostyn. 52. Ann of Jesus, Ann Keynes. 53. Mary of the Holy Ghost, Mary Wigmore. 54. Francisca Teresa of the Passion, Francis Turner. 55. Hieronima of St. Michael, Susanna Winter. 56. Anastatia of Jesus, Dorothy Wakeman. 57. Mary of the Angels, Mary Haircourt. 58. Mary of Jesus, Mary Morgan. 59. Mary of St. Francis, Mary Spenser. 60. Ann of St. Joseph, Anne Chamberlaine. 61. Margaret of St. Joseph, Margaret Goodlad. 62. Martha of Jesus, Ann Barnes. 63. Mary of the B. Trinity, Mary Cotton. 64. Teresa of Jesus, Catharine Wakeman. 65. Margaret of St. Ignatius, Mary Andrews. 66. Lucy of Jesus Mary, Lucy Carew. 67. Ann of the Nativity, Ann Howard. 68. Teresa of the Holy Ghost, Teresa Wakeman. 69. Mary of the B. Sacrament, Catharine Gonnius. 70. Mary Electa of Jesus, Mary Howard. 71. Ann of St. Bartholomew, Ann Nettleton, 72. Winefride of St. Teresa, Elizabeth Lingen. 73. Mary of the Holy Martyrs, Mary Gifford. 74. Josepha of Jesus Mary, Julia Wigmore. 75. Teresa of St. Joseph, Elizabeth Barber. 76. Magdalen of St. Joseph, Margaret Craggs. 77. Beatrix of St. Teresa, Beatrix Aurelia Gelthoff. 78. Helen of the Holy Cross, Helen Eddesford. 79. Mary Xavier of the Angels, Catherine Burton. 80. Delphina of St. Joseph, Catherine Smythe. 81. Francisca of the B. Sacrament, Elizabeth Osmund. 82. Mary of St. John the Evangelist, Mary Wakeman. 83. Aloysia of the Mother of God, Bridget Fitzherbert. 84. Ignatia of Jesus, Dorothy Barnaby. 85. Mary Frances, of St. Teresa, Mary Birkbeck. 86. Mary T. J. of St. Xavier, M. Philipine Clare Betkin. 87. Frances Xavier of the Holy Ghost, Penelope Charlotte Sulgard. 88. Mary Joseph of St. Teresa, Mary Howard, of Cumberland. 89. Joseph Francis of the B. Trinity Lucy Howard, of Cumberland, 90. Teresa of Jesus, Bridget Howard, of Cumberland, These three were sisters. 91. Ursula Maria of St. Xavier, Ursula Thors. 92. Ann M. Joseph of St. Xavier, Ann Woolmer. 93. Euphrasia of the Infant Jesus, Joanna Quirijos.
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94. Teresa Joseph of the Heart of Jesus, Mary Charlotte Bond. 95. Mary Margaret of the Angels, Penelope Chapman. 96. Ann of St. Bartholomew, Joyce Ardern. 97. M. Xavier of the Angels, Margaret Smythe. 98. Clare Joseph of Jesus Mary, Clare Gerard. 99. Joseph Francis of the B. Sacrament, Alice Howard. 100. Angela M. of St. Joseph, Catherine Kingsley. 101. Ann of Jesus, Ann Gerard. 102. Martha of Jesus, Helen Coupe. 103. Jane of the Cross, Jane Rutter. 104. Agnes Xavier of St. Joseph, Agnes Thornburg. 105. Mary Francis of St. Joseph, Mary Bradshaw. 106. Ann Joseph of the Ascension, Ann Holme. 107. Teresa J. M. of the Heart of Jesus, Catherine Howard, of Cumb'd. Niece to three Howards above. 108. Beatrix Xavier of Jesus, Alice Chantrell. 109. Teresa Maria of the Holy Ghost, Teresa Wakeman. 110. Mary Teresa of the Annunciation, Alexandra Howard. Niece to the three Howards above, and sister to T .J. M. Howard 111. Philipine M. of St. Xavier, Elizabeth Hoyles. 112. Ann T. of the Holy Ghost, Fleetwood Butler. 113. M. Margaret of the Angels, Mary Brent, born in Maryland. 114. Mary Magdalen of St. Joseph, Margaret Pye, born in Maryland. 115. Mary Agnes of Jesus, Mary Morgan. 116. Ignatia of Jesus, Maria Margaret Butler. 117. Francis Xavier of Divine Providence, Elizabeth Maddox. 118. Mary Joseph of the Infant Jesus, Mary Maddox. 119. Mary Francis of St. Teresa, Helen Moran. 120. Mary Aloysia of the Heart of Jesus, Mary Jordan. 121. Ann M. of the B. Sacrament, Judith Brassier. 122. Clare Joseph of the Heart of Jesus, Frances Dickinson. She was one of the four sent to found in Maryland, U. S. A. 123. Mary X. of the Angels, Agnes Wright. 124. Mary Augustine of St. Joseph, M. Ann Hill. 125. Stanislaus of the Heart of Mary, Ann E. Cuelstoerff. 126. Teresa of Jesus, Elizabeth Cowdrey. 127. Mary Winefride of the B. Trinity, Elizabeth Anstead. 128. Sr. Martha of Jesus, Rose Fisher
Account of a Vocation.
The following account was written during her novitiate in 1747, by a novice at the English Carmelite Monastery of Antwerp. The writer was most probably Sister Mary Teresa of the Annunciation, Alexandar Mary Howard. She was from Corby, Cumberland, of
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the noble family of the Howards. She was professed on August 22nd, 1750, at the age of twenty-one. She died May 17th, 1784.-- The opinion that the author of the account was Sister Mary Teresa, is based upon the fact, that she speaks of relatives in the convent, and that there were several Howards at Antwerp at the time. Moreover, the handwriting of the author of this account agrees with that of Sister Mary Howard, and certain facts related of her by Mother Margaret Brent correspond with those found in her narrative.
The concluding lines of the account were penned, as is evident, twenty-five years later, in 1772.
An Account of my Vocation, written during my Noviceship by order of my Superior, 1747.
J. M. J.
When but a child Almighty God did often bless me with serious thoughts upon the inconstancy and shortness of this life. I ever had a great aversion to the state of marriage and from my tender years frequent, though passing thoughts, of being religious. When I was about 13 I came to Antwerp to see my sister who was a novice, at which time my desires of being Religious began to be more solid and settled and having been educated amongst the Benedictines was fixed on the order, (altho' I was acquainted with others) and had at this time rather a dislike to our holy order, and a certain fear of our Glorious mother St. Teresa, as when one stands in awe of a severe person. In this disposition of mind I returned back to Paris, but a few months after, came and settled at Antwerp, with my aunt who had care of me. I had not been here many weeks, when becoming more acquainted with the Religious and their manner of life, I began to be charmed with that cheerfulness, union, great dependence and love of Superiors which I observed in their behavior. I admired the strict poverty of the order, and its being particularly devoted to our B. Lady and St. Joseph, but was terrified at the austerity of it, and so much mental prayer, solitude and recollection, so that I could not resolve what order to embrace, till upon the eve of the Annunciation, when I was in this church preparing myself for confession, and these thoughts as usual disquieting my mind, all in a moment like a kind of interior light or as if someone had spoken to me, I had an inward assurance that the grace of God was sufficient to surmount all these difficulties and that it would not be wanting to me, and in that instant I determined to become a Carmelite, and remained in peace and joy for some days, however as I was but young, I still continued daily to beg Almighty God to direct and enlighten me in my choice, and not permit me to mistake my call, of which I ever had a great apprehension. I offered
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up all my devotions to this end and got others to join with me, and in a childish manner often begged of Almighty God to give me some exterior signs, by which I might be certified of His divine will; amongst many, which always succeeded to my wish, I addressed myself to St. Joseph desiring him, that if it were the will of God that I should be a nun in this house, he would obtain me the favor of living some time in the Convent as a Secular, which was then a very unlikely thing as we don't take pensioners, however, in a few months after, my petition was granted; for it pleased God to take my dear father out of this life, at the very time that he designed to have sent for me home; upon which occasion my aunt went to England, and being unwilling to carry me amongst my Protestant friends, unknown to me obtained leave of the Bishop for me to remain in the Convent till her return which was above 8 months, during which time I was greatly strengthened in my vocation and ardently desired to be of their happy number but yet that which was a means of obtaining the favor I desired, was also the occasion of a long suffering delay in my purposes of becoming Religious, for being left an orphan at the age of 14 having many Protestant relations and committed to the care of 4 Guardians, one of which was also a Protestant, there was no hope of being a nun till I was of age; at about 15 my aunt being returned, I went out of the Convent with very great reluctance, and much afflicted at the thoughts of so long a delay though it was a kind of pleasing pain; however, as there was no remedy I endeavored so to moderate the ardour of my desires, as to bear it with patience; the only comfort I had was to converse with the Religious. In this manner I passed on till I came to be about 17 after which I underwent many interior combats and temptations; all those lights which I had till then of the security of a Religious, dangers of the world and the other pressing motives, did as it were vanish, though from the impression they had made on me I ever retained a fixed will to embrace a Religious state when it was in my power, but was sometimes even glad of the delay, my circumstances obliged me to; I had also but very indifferent health which did sometimes discourage me; when I was 19, I was much pressed and solicited to go into England. I was somewhat tempted to condescend to their desires, though I ever refused it, knowing how dangerous the trial might prove; and as there were many troubles in England at that time my uncle let me alone for a while. When I was turned 20, my aunt with whom I had lived for 10 years, fell into a languishing state of health, which raised new temptations and troubles in me thinking it a kind of cruelty and ingratitude, just to leave her, at the time when she most wanted my company and assistence, but God who did all things for me soon removed that obstacle, taking her to himself, by a most Christian and peaceful death, 3 months before I was of age; but my combats were not yet at an end, for my uncle who was my Guardian, coming over upon this occasion, used his utmost endeavors to persuade me to return with him to England, and then it was that the devil and nature used their last efforts to oppose my happiness, for only God
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knows the violence I suffered in that last struggle; and I had neither courage, light nor resolution left; but our Lady assisted me and did all for me, against myself, so that by the force of God's grace and help of good counsel, (but yet in such darkness and desolation, that I found no sensible motive why or wherefore) I took my last resolution, and begged the holy Habit on Pentecost Sunday, I being that day 21 years of age, after which I began to be more peaceful and calm, but all of a sudden on the eve of Corpus Christi I was again disturbed, my first vocation to the order of St. Benedict coming into my mind, but much more the thoughts I had once had of going to some other Convent in this Country of our holy Order for when I was about 18 I had some apprehension lest natural affection to my relations here, had some influence in my inclination to this Order and therefore often endeavourd to bend my thoughts to some other Convent; and one day as I was praying to know the will of God, it came into my mind that it would be more perfect to go to some Dutch Convent, where I knew none, and where I should never hear of my Relations more, and determined to do it, if it were approved and counselled me by discreet persons, remained with those thoughts for about a year, but having consulted my Confessor and a father of the Society, they told me I was rather to look on this as a means Almighty God made use of, to purify and disengage my inclination from all human affections than as a thing he required of me, so that I had laid all those thoughts aside, till now they returned on a sudden, and put me into great fright and uneasiness, first for that I did not find the same courage for going amongst strangers, secondly, for that I knew not well how to manage it, having already begged the holy habit here, and that it was known publicly; however I endeavored to make an entire sacrifice of all, purposing to consult my confessor and follow his counsel as the will of God. I sent for him, and gave an account of all that passed, but he told me 'twas a mere temptation, and bid me not to trouble myself about any of those things; upon which I was satisfied and the community being so good as to receive me, I took the holy habit on the 5th of July, 1747. Great was the grace and favor done me by Almighty God in so early a vocation to a religious life but still greater was that of my perseverance therein during 7 years delay in the execution of those desires. I may truly say that his Infinite Majesty watched over me a vile worm as a jealous lover, averting every occasion that might withdraw me from him, or engage my heart in the love of the world to which my natural vanity, love of appearing and of the esteem of others would have exposed me; had he not continually had me in his hand, and as it were hedged in my heart with thorn and briars not suffering me to taste any pleasure out of him and in the retired life I led out of almost all company and diversion, the most seeming lawful, innocent recreations were intermixed with so much bitterness, and my dissipations on those occasions often followed with such sharp reproaches and even unquietness of soul, that I dreaded the moment when I was to be alone with God, knowing what I was to expect, and in those occasions sometimes was obliged to pour
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out my soul aloud, to give some vent and solace to the anguish and contest of my heart. Thus diversions which were to cost me so dear, could afford little satisfaction in the enjoyment and much fear and apprehension in the foresight and expectation of them, whilst on the other side he sometimes afforded me little sweetnesses and sensible consolations to allure my weak and cowardly heart to despise a vain and deceitful world, but I have ever been unfaithful and ungrateful, and graces which would have raised others to an eminent degree of sanctity, have not produced in me the lowest degree of any virtue.
And blessed be the infinite and indulgent mercy of Almighty God whatever great inward troubles I have endured, caused by my infidelity and want of correspondence to the obligations of my state, I have ever had joy and content in it, esteeming it a Paradise, in comparison of the world which has increased, and never more sensibly than now after 25 years passed in it: however just reason I have to fear for my negligent life.—1772.
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